Author Archives: Tim Lenton

This is the fifth episode of our much sought-after serialisation of the Houseago Diaries, recently unearthed in parts of Norwich. It reveals unexpected background events to the heroic  fight by Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago against the great crested newts who attempted to take over Norfolk in the years leading up to the turn of the century. And after.

“A vital historical document” – Prof V A R Scheinlich

Earlier episodes also available on this site.

February 2, 1997

In brilliant PR move, have announced huge protest over newt plans to run bypass across allotments. Said seven pensioners had climbed trees, and team barricaded itself in tunnel under pond. Team led by Dorothea, who should get out more. Journo asked how this would help. Replied wittily that it was better than watching light entertainment on TV. No-one could argue with that. Everyone behind us now.

February 3, 1997

Counter-attack by newts, who said they would wait until we got fed up, and then carry on with road. They underestimate badly staying power of Norfolk pensioners. Will fight on, and on, and on.

February 6, 1997

Have given up. Irritatingly, newt estimate of perseverance time-scale spot on. Hard to stay in trees or under pond when nothing happening. No sign of road being built.

February 10, 1997

Disturbing news: poohsticks to go metric. Almost as bad as newts. Disintegration of life as we know it. European Commission to blame, as usual. Have nothing better to do. Should find them work elsewhere. Fighting newts, perhaps. Or coypu.

Meanwhile Dorothea drank a little too much punch – she has acquired real taste for it since Christmas – and said too much about newt plans to go on the Internewt. Seemed to think it was some kind of missile. She should really ask me first, since am always abreast of technological breakthroughs. Have Sky. Pointed out e-mails would not be flying all over place, at least not in sense that you could see them or shoot them down. Well, sometimes you could shoot them down, but only if arguments were very weak. Dorothea dug deeper pit for herself when she found newts were using mice (mouses?) to work their computers. Demanded to know whose side mice were on. Embarrassing.

February 23, 1997

Strange day. Was questioned at length by people claiming to be government inspectors from Ofnewt. Would not have believed word of it, but know government inspectors behave oddly. Ofsted, for instance, do nothing but produce reams and reams of paper, far as I can see. Apparently Ofnewt suspicious because newts have disappeared. Would be good news, but don’t trust newts. Probably hiding. Ofnewt seem trifle naive. Think Dorothea and I may have kidnapped newts. Good idea in theory, but where would we put them? In huge newt barn? Newts can escape from anywhere. Would not know how to catch them in first place.

Told Ofnewt was mystified – not just by newts but by life in general. Ofnewt not amused. Toad representative suggested newts were hibernating, but no-one believes this.

February 24, 1997

Could not believe Ofnewt quote in paper. “We suspect a hidden agenda. We have to. There wouldn’t be enough paperwork otherwise.” No doubt true, but would never say it. Whitehall bound to recall Ofnewt. Ofheads. Ofcourse.

March 3, 1997

Report of Ofnewt published. Government inspectors have decided no truth in claim that newts annihilated by colony of Norfolk people. Amazing. Government inspectors usually take two years to announce sky is blue, based on extensive research. Of course newts not annihilated. If you could annihilate newts, would have done it. Turns out Ofnewt is also regulator for public houses and small owls, which is not so surprising. Juxtaposition not strong point of governments, or inspectors.

Report said to run to 2488 pages, most of which are probably the same. Since no-one reads government reports, we shall never know. Less surprisingly, Ofnewt intend to introduce “certain regulations, standards, attainment targets, key assessments, league tables, vouchers and general interference”. Typical. Can’t even find newts, but still want to regulate them. All governments seem to suffer from delusion that you can solve problems by setting targets. Personally, have target of living to 200. No support, even from Dorothea.

March 10, 1997

Group of newts discovered under rock at Wymondham, but Government refuses to recognise them. Not bad idea. Still, felt bound to describe inspectors’ report as “ridiculous, unreadable and an ideal doorstop”. Added in inspired moment that newts waiting to expand again and “if there’s anything worse than a group of newts, it’s a rock group”. Humour good weapon. Wonder what newts really up to.

Noticed that odd things happening in Hingham. Probably not newts, but you never know. Odd form of democracy being pioneered, where majority ignored. Sounds like newts. Must keep eye on it.

This is the fourth episode of the Houseago Diaries, the recently unearthed unique historical record of one man’s struggle against bureaucracy and newts. It forms a background for, not to mention insights into, the articles originally published in the Eastern Daily Press, Norwich, around the turn of the century. Earlier episodes are archived only on this site.

December 25, 1996

Could not do idiotic quiz in local paper. Still, Dorothea seemed to like her present: six bottles of Norfolk punch. She has put them away somewhere. No plans to do anything much. Newts bound to be quiet over holiday period. Everyone is.

December 31, 1996

Happy New Year – not. Bastard newts have taken advantage of our religious observance and general lack of mobility to announce plans to drive supernewtway through hamlet occupied by rare Norfolk people. Apparently idea is “to make life easier for everyone”. Ha! Why do we want easier life? Anyway, have never heard of newt jams. Suspect they do not exist. Supernewtways quite different from bypasses and dual carriageways, which are good things, avoiding congestion and pollution. No-one wants newts to get anywhere quickly. Bad enough at present speeds.

Not sure where threatened hamlet is: newts rather vague. Since was unable to comment on newt evil, eccentric Ernest Woodfolk, of Association to Preserve Everything that Moves, said he would launch far-reaching campaign of protest. Woodfolk incapable of launching toy yacht. Must try and get out of this chair. Where Dorothea?

 January 1, 1997

Turns out Dorothea making idiotic new year resolutions, with help of Norfolk Punch. Resolved not to lie about her age. Absurd. Has lied about age so long, she doesn’t know how old she is. She also resolved not to take back seat in future. Haven’t noticed this in past. Myself resolved to wipe great crested newts off face of earth, and Wymondham. Also coypu, if not already extinct. Quietly confident.

January 6, 1997

Might have known newts would get in on act. Have resolved not to harass rare colony of Norfolk people – ie us. Say they want to be good neighbours. Do not believe it. Dorothea, in bid not to take back seat, released ridiculous or possibly satirical statement “welcoming newt initiative”. Why are newts not hibernating? Don’t newts hibernate? We should be told. Are cold-blooded, aren’t they?

January 13, 1997

Bizarre item in paper about Newt Gingrich, who seems to be foreigner. Who would call a child Newt? Might as well call it Brooklyn, or Zowie. Suspect newts are trying to cloud issue. Obvious red herring. Have decided to ignore it.

January 20, 1997

Newts clearly going mad. Have announced they will travel round world by balloon. Obvious publicity stunt, especially as they say it isn’t. They won’t go. Newts hopeless balloonists. On other hand, could contact poisonous foreign newts and import them. Need to keep eye on progress, if any. Where Dorothea? Have decided to subscribe to Rare View Mirror, journal devoted to recording strange sights. Newts bound to be in there eventually.

January 24, 1997

Suddenly realised newt ballooning was scheme to drop things on our heads in overflying blitzkrieg. Will they stop at nothing? Had to act fast. Put round rumour of UFO and wild cat alert in Fakenham area, and newts forced to land by public opinion, or Tornado, or both. Stupid journo asked me what newts could possibly drop on Norfolk people’s heads. Said: “Toads, probably.” Seemed to believe me. Added that large number of Norfolk people were allergic to toads. He took it down in shorthand. Refusal of newts to hibernate becoming annoying.

January 27, 1997

Journalists will believe anything. Toad quote appeared in paper.

Episode three of the recently unearthed Houseago Diaries, which chronicle the struggles of Norfolk hero Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago against an attempted takeover by great crested newts. Occasional reports of this struggle were published in the Eastern Daily Press, Norwich, between 1995 and 2006

Earlier episodes of the Diaries are archived on this site.

November 16, 1996

Not to be put off, have come back with fresh publicity coup, applying for protected status for colony of Norfolk people. Probably won’t get far, but satirically sound. In brilliant move (said Dorothea), pointed out that great crested newts in Suffolk had access to wartime bomb site, which could give them nuclear capacity. All Norfolk people suspicious of Suffolk. Combination of Suffolk, wartime, bombs and “aggressive” newts guaranteed to put me in best possible light. May be regarded as saviour of county. Will speak to vicar. Perhaps could stand for office of some kind. Would like to be mayor of something. Great crested newts could be blessing in disguise. Must not say so, obviously. They are evil threat to humanity. Probably Communist, or right-wing. Or both.

November 25, 1996

Feeling a bit strange after triumph of last week. Probably going down with something. Could newts be into biological warfare? Probably not, but must be careful. Must cut down on Real Ale, for instance, though more likely cheap Chardonnay which Dorothea brought home in burst of activity is to blame. Or something going round.

Got Ms Goodchild, 104, to issue statement as “deputy spokesperson” for Norfolk colony, saying influx of unusual birds into Norfolk, with accompanying twitchers, was newt masterplan. Probably not good idea, on reflection. Dorothea quoted as saying you could never tell how newts did things, which sounds like real politician. She must not get ideas above station. So told her off for suggesting nuclear story was smokescreen by newts – could have got much more mileage out of it. Birds not as frightening as nuclear device, on the whole. Nor twitchers. Just odd. No problem if you carry large stick.

December 2, 1996

Feel a bit better. Unexpected “help” from natterjack toads, who accuse expansionist great crested newts of giving wildlife bad name. Wildlife already has bad name. It is wild. Not sure about toads. Don’t know which way they’ll jump, though newts say they’re jumping to conclusions (very funny). What are they up to? Must ask Dorothea.

What shall I get Dorothea for Christmas? When you’re 104 you don’t want anything else. You want someone to take stuff away. Maybe will offer to take stuff away. (What stuff? Must be careful.)

December 9, 1996

Newt wrote letter to EDP, complaining that great crested newts threatened by Norfolk people, not vice versa. Bold move, but obviously incredible. No-one will take any notice. Norfolk people never threaten anyone. They do not move quickly enough. (Also Norwich City FC.)

December 16

Bought present for Dorothea, but cannot reveal what it is. She may read this. Quite excited because both to appear on television, explaining horror of newt expansion plans to veteran interviewer Jeremy Paxton, 89, of North Creake. Will suggest newts should be served with injunction and use several legal phrases which should impress viewers. May go for judicial review, or injunction. Will say res ipsa loquitur, in case lawyers are listening. Lawyers love that kind of thing. Would not want newts to get lawyer. Could blow whole thing wide open. Or not. Lawyers could avoid issue to get more money.

December 22, 1996

TV appearance cancelled to make time for extra darts. No point. Saw appalling nativity play at local church. Can only have been put on by consortium of newts. Left out all essential stuff: no angels with tinfoil halos, no cardboard animals, no plastic doll. Three wise men looked very much like toads to me. Well known that natterjack toads do not come from East and are not particularly wise. They just know which way to jump. In that respect they are very much like coypu, which I believe are slowly taking over our local government system. May have to tackle that issue one day, but mustn’t get sidetracked now. Have condemned newt play as “tasteless” on behalf of colony of Norfolk people.

“Tasteless” always good criticism: doesn’t mean anything, but you can’t reply to it without appearing to support tastelessness or having no taste of your own. Am feeling very much in Christmas spirit.

Here is the second episode of the Houseago Diaries – recently unearthed and presented exclusively here. They relate in astonishing detail the ongoing battle of Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago against great crested newts, who threaten to destroy the Norfolk way of life. More episodes will follow on a weekly basis.

October 10, 1996

According to conservationist Eileen Dagenstit, we in Wymondham are only remaining enclave of real Norfolk people. Find this hard to believe. Find conservationists hard to believe generally, like environmentalists. Probably same thing.

October 17, 1996

Quiet week, until read in EDP that Prime Minister John Major was right behind us and anti-newt. Since he also said he was proposing to privatise them, suspect he doesn’t really understand the problem, like most politicians (whatever the problem). Reporter said I was unavailable for comment, which is fair translation of what I actually said. Some things cannot be commented on. 

October 24, 1996

Astonished to see that great crested newts had hit back at suggestions they were harassing Norfolk people. Apparently they made pledge to preserve us and said: “We might even charge an entrance fee.” Did not know newts had sense of humour, but can’t believe they’re serious. Obviously no-one believes anyone who makes a pledge; so they really are threatening us with extinction. Pledge to fight to the last sand dune. They shall not pass. Dorothea agrees.

November 3, 1996

In pro-active mode, released news to press that newts were appearing on residents’ doorsteps and offering to cut down trees. Pointed out that many real Norfolk people were to be found in trees. This stretching truth a trifle, but in war against newts anything goes. No-one likes strangers – newts or not – appearing on doorstep, especially while television on. Suspicious. Could be religious, or selling windows, or both. Think I’ve got public opinion on my side. Dorothea critical, but she has integrity problem. Even persuaded gullible journo that newts had applied for planning permission. Public always panicked by idea of planning permission: they suspect planning committee will pass anything it can’t understand, which is nearly everything. So more anti-newt feeling generated. Good day’s work. Should be in paper tomorrow.

November 4, 1996

Was. Excellent. 

November 11, 1996

Another public relations coup. Managed to persuade EDP to print that great crested newts drank too much, and were ambitious. War going very well. 

November 12, 1996

May have overplayed my hand. Dorothea points out that people who drink too much are folk heroes, unless they kill someone. Everyone who appears in court for violence and says they drank too much gets sentence halved. Strange. Should also not have said no-one knew what newts would do next. Makes them sound exciting, unlike Norfolk people, who talk about doing different, but do the same. Except me, obviously.

For more than ten years over the turn of the century I wrote a commentary page in the Eastern Daily Press, published in Norwich. A feature of the page (some said the only good reason for its existence) were the regular reports on the activities of Norfolk hero Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago and his battle against a group of sinister great crested newts who were attempting to subvert the Norfolk way of life, among other things.

I am happy to report that I have recently unearthed the Houseago Diaries, covering a period of almost two years from October 1996. These give Mr Houseago’s own views on the events reported in the EDP, and I feel it is important, not to say vital, to give them publicity. I will therefore be serialising them here over the next few weeks and, possibly, months.

October 4, 1996

Could not sleep last night. Had series of bizarre dreams, none of which seemed to make any sense. Asked my fiancee Dorothea about them when I woke, but she didn’t make any sense either, which is not surprising as she is 104. At least, that is what she says. She has certainly been around a long time.

In my dream things were falling out of the sky, but not bombs. Seemed to be speed limit signs, except that they were all very low speeds, and you would think that in the future we would be able to go faster. Very odd. No-one saw them coming, because everyone was looking down, and they hit quite a few people on the head; there were pools of blood all over the place.

Then a place called Hingham, which is somewhere I have only passed through once or twice. Something which looked like a Scout Hut was being blown backwards and forwards, and there seemed to be a kind of wormhole effect, like you get on Star Trek. Suddenly this comet hurtled out of the sky and plunged into a black hole which seemed to be in the middle of a map of Norfolk.

Then got mixed up with this party of men who were hunting coypu, and we seemed to be lost and got tangled up with lots of discarded fishing tackle. Thought coypu were extinct. But most vivid scene of all was this great army of what appeared to be newts, marching towards me with weapons of all kinds. In fact were about to trample all over me when I woke up. Thought I’d better make a note in case it all fitted together later, like jigsaw.

Put it down to dodgy beef on bone from Jones the Butcher. He has his own supply. Do not trust Welshman who wants to live in Norfolk. Makes no sense. No mountains.

Decided to have quiet day. Was going quite well until happened on copy of yesterday’s Eastern Daily Press, delivered late by recalcitrant newspaper woman on scooter. Amazing item on page nine: “A consortium of great crested newts has put in a planning application to extend its ‘green swathe’ home just outside Wymondham. This plea is expected to be turned down, however, following objections by one of the few remaining small groups of Norfolk people, who say they have a right of way over the disputed land. Conservationists say that the existence of Norfolk people would be threatened by the newt expansion plans. Natterjack toad representatives are backing the newt application.”

Stunned, not to say flabbergasted. Am one of last remaining Norfolk people. Live just outside Wymondham. Great crested newts threatening my very existence. Toads beneath contempt. Everything begins to make sense. Well, some things. Am determined to resist on the beaches, etc. Blood, sweat and tears. I see it now. It’s all up to me. Have been chosen to stand alone against the newt onslaught. Will ask Dorothea to stand with me. Remote possibility. But will be hero anyway.

October 8, 1996

Have been thinking a lot about newts. Walked on green swathe. Saw no newts. Must be experts in camouflage. Dorothea less than enthusiastic about anti-newt crusade, but I insisted. She will come through in end. Like cavalry, only earlier.

October 9, 1996

Decided to be pro-active. Apparently this is good: read it on business page when looking for cartoon. Issued press release to defend Norfolk people against ruthless newts. Said: “There are only a few of us left. And we’ve forgotten almost all the Norfolk dialect we knew. Some people came over from London the other day, and they could understand everything we were saying. Those newts have got to be stopped, or we won’t survive.”

Pack of lies, naturally. People from London never come near Wymondham, because can’t pronounce it. And know Norfolk dialect very well – just never use it because Dorothea allergic. So she says. Still, first blow in war against vicious newts. No such thing as bad publicity. Well maybe item saying Houseago mad fool and should stay in bed at age of 97 might be bad publicity, but also libel if newts said it. Could collect large sums from newt coffers. (Do newts have coffers? Or large sums?)

To be continued

Strange thing, snow.

Not scientifically, of course: it’s quite easily explainable in terms of how it happens and where it comes from, if you stick to the realms of physics and chemistry.

But looked at in a different way, it’s totally mysterious.

We all know it’s unpredictable, and that meteorologists have difficulty knowing exactly how much, exactly where and for how long. But then so is rain.

What makes snow different is that it’s beautiful. A sprinkling of the white stuff sends us dashing for our cameras or reaching for our phones. We love the way it improves the landscape, making it softer and cleaner.

So what’s mysterious about that?

The fact that as well as being beautiful, it also makes life extremely difficult. Travelling becomes problematical. Snow is dangerous because it’s cold, and as well as freezing you, it can bury you.

We use up huge amounts of energy – our own and the national grid’s – combating its effects. Vehicles slide into each other; people break bones. Businesses lose money.

Logically, we should hate the stuff. So why do we find it beautiful? If we simply evolved from nothingness, we would expect to like what’s good for us – what makes it easier for us to survive. Moderate rainfall, sufficient warmth, enough food: a smooth ride, gradually improving.

But in fact we’re beings who have a capacity for wonder, particularly at things that are dangerous, risky and on the edge. On the edge of what? We don’t know, but something that we really want. Something we can’t control.

Poet Rainer Maria Rilke said that beauty is the edge of terror that we’re just able to bear. In other words, there is something out there that we couldn’t survive in our current state, but we desperately want it. Beauty is the nearest we can get.

Snow is like that. So are mountains, storm-tossed seas and killer deserts. Touch and see, but don’t get too close, or stay too long.