Call to re-run poll

The shock result in Corpusty East, where favourite Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago lost on a 90 per cent swing to someone else, was attributed today to a misunderstanding.

“We really didn’t get our message across,” he said. “Too many voters thought I was trying to form a Government, but I would have been quite happy to share power with Dave or Gordon – or even Nick, if he could have met my demands.

“With the situation in turmoil, I believe we should have a rerun. Now that everyone knows the way votes are going, they can adjust their choice accordingly. If that happened, I’m sure I would be returned by a monstrous majority.”

Corpusty East, a new seat formed from parts of Little London and Irmingland, will until then be represented by the winner of yesterday’s poll, Len “Kissme” Hardy of Hindolveston, who was standing as an Independent while claiming double expenses.

“Len is well thought of in the area,” said radical cleric the Rev Nick Repps-cum-Bastwick, “and should make a fine member when he is available.”

Mr Hardy is a whole food chef and comet chaser and has been linked with Mr Houseago’s ex-fiancee, Dorothea Goodchild. He favours “getting out of Europe and into the Atlantic”, abolition of bicycles and turning the A11 into a motorway. He is also a strong supporter of the Free Hingham Poetry Collective.

“I was delighted to get into double figures,” he told Professor David Dumbleberry in an exclusive interview. “That’s always plenty in Corpusty. Where’s the canteen?”

Twitter hate campaign

Amazing the amount of hatred generated by General Elections. Twitter was alive with vituperative comments about the Tories, mainly of the “they’re posh” variety, which I would have thought was a bit simplistic even for 140 characters.

Then the possibility that the Tories might form a minority government made these same people apoplectic. How can they have the nerve to want to govern, they gasped, when they haven’t got a majority? Well, I hate to point this out, but they have a lot more votes than anyone else.

But what about the Lib Dems and Labour together? Mmm, yes, but what makes them think that Liberal Democrat voters’ second choice would be Labour? And Tories plus Lib Dems is an even bigger majority.

Of course the biggest majority would be Tories and Labour. Why don’t we go for that?

All very amusing. But not as amusing as Gordon Brown, an inveterate obstacle to electoral reform, who now suddenly finds it’s pretty much his priority. Please, Nick?
Come on, Nick. You know you want to.

Meanwhile it’s interesting to note that if this was an English election, the Tories would be overwhelming winners. Can all those Tweeters be closet Scots?