Immigration shock

An astounding turnround in voting habits has been predicted by the parliamentary candidate for Corpusty East, Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago (90).

Mr Houseago, who has a bad leg and is standing for the first time this year, said yesterday that voters could not help but be overwhelmed by his party’s radical immigration policy.

“It is a radical policy,” he said. “We would allow anyone at all to come to this country to live, as long as the country they come from takes someone in return. We suggest primarily operators of speed camera vans, then Guardian readers, and if necessary Liberal Democrats in general.

“We are convinced this will receive radical and widespread support, and I will be the new MP for Corpusty East within a week.”

Asked if his was a single-issue campaign, Mr Houseago said he would not go that far. He planned to introduce capital punishment for anyone who referred to voters as bigots. He supported wind turbines completely, as long as they were confined to Westminster, Kensington and Chelsea. “They would fit in well there,” he said, “because they don’t do anything useful, but are very expensive and make a lot of themselves.”

Mr Houseago’s flat earth spokesperson, Professor V A R Scheinlich, said he was planning an independent inquiry on house-building. It would be conducted mainly by house-builders and decorators. He promised that a whitewash would be very unlikely, and such allegations were totally without foundation.

Corpusty East is a new seat, formed by combining parts of Little London with Irmingland. Local expert Len “Kissme” Hardy of Hindolveston described it as both radical and far-reaching. It was quite possible that it would hold the balance of power, he insisted.