Now that I am 70 I shall not wear purple, partly because I am not a bishop. Not yet, anyway.

However, I feel that as a first step I am now permitted to move diagonally and am hoping that this will make a significant difference to my life.

There are certain restrictions in moving diagonally, of course, in that you have to stay on the same colour squares. This does not worry me. I know my squares, and they know me.  But I shall be able to sweep backwards and forwards from one corner of the board to another, and I am excited about that, while slightly concerned about speed cameras.

While staying on squares of one colour, I shall of course pass very close to squares (not to mention horses) of a different colour, and I am hoping this will be an exhilarating experience. Blue days, black knights, for instance.

I would however like to take the opportunity to confess that I have been using drugs, and this has made quite a difference to my performance in the last few years. At one point (in hospital) I was using morphine, but I came off this after I had a nightmare in which I found myself in King’s Lynn. Now I stick to occasional paracetamol, with a dash of perindopril and amlodipine when I need them. Which, my doctor tells me, is every morning.

Obviously I cannot tell you everything, but I do take something else as well. If I reach 80, I may have to confess what it is. Some people feel that I should have random drug tests, but I am resisting this, as I believe it may affect my poetry, and this would not necessarily be a good thing.

My diagonal travels will take me from left to right and vice versa, and I am hoping this will not confuse people too much, as I have already spent time on both sides of the board, often simultaneously, though this is difficult. Some people find it impossible. Some people find me impossible, but that is a different matter.

Anyway, I shall continue to play the game and try hard to concentrate. Please tap me on the shoulder if I drift off.

Some say the Church of England lacks mystery, and that compared with religions like Buddhism, it seems much too straightforward.

The first thing to say in response to such allegations, of course, is that the Church of England is not a religion. It is an organisation designed to promote faith. You may say it is designed rather badly for this purpose, but I couldn’t possibly comment.

Recently, however, I became involved in the welcoming of a new vicar to our parish, and I became even more aware than usual that the Church of England is much more mysterious than the casual observer might think.

Evidence: we were welcoming a vicar, but we didn’t say that. No, he was being instituted and inducted. These are hard words to remember. When explaining what was happening in the days beforehand I kept catching myself saying that he was being installed or even, occasionally, committed or enthroned.

Technically – and there is a lot of technical stuff in the Church of England – he was instituted by the Bishop, who is Right Reverend, and inducted by the Archdeacon, who is merely Venerable. I say “merely”, but I may be doing her a disservice. I don’t know.

She has the power to place the incumbent in his stall. I am not making this up: this happened towards the end of the service. It was called a stall, but it looked more like a chair to me.

Who is the incumbent? I hear you ask. It is the vicar again, and he is actually the incumbent of the benefice. At the same time he is the parish priest, though not a rector. If it were a self-supporting church, he would be a rector, but as it is supported by the diocese, he is a vicar. I hope you’re following this.

I suppose I should mention the episcopal seal and the Oath of Canonical Obedience. The former is an endangered species often seen off the North Norfolk coast, and the latter is what you say when faced with superior firepower.

That may not be quite right, but you get the idea. In the Church of England it doesn’t matter if you don’t know exactly what’s happening as long as you’re prepared to go along with it. This tends to attract the right kind of people.

Efficiency and productivity in my business have never been very strong – mainly because I don’t have a business. This has not deterred one company, through the magic of the Internet, from suggesting a better way of managing my vehicles.

It kind of assumes that these vehicles are driven by my employees. Sadly I do not employ anyone either, but this does not seem to have been a factor in their calculations.

Apparently I need vehicle trackers – small devices that enable me to know where my vehicles are at all times. I already have an app that tells me where my wife is, but of course, as I live in Norfolk, this hardly ever works.

But let us leave aside the problem of whether vehicle trackers would function properly in Norfolk and ask how vehicle trackers might affect the morale of my employees.

Apparently, they will enable me to “specifically target those who waste fuel and speed”. Great. Now my employees will not only have to worry about so-called “safety” cameras, they will also have me snooping on them from a distance – and not even painted yellow.

They will also have to concern themselves with how much fuel they’re using – which means that as well as trying to drive safely, they have to carry out complex calculations involving schedules, speed and optimal fuel usage.

The vehicle tracking company also tells me that I will be able to keep pin down “unauthorised use of breaks and overtime”. So my drivers must also factor in how long they can afford to spend in the loo or purchasing a Kentucky Fried Chicken.

I can’t help feeling that, despite the stated advantages of vehicle tracking (less paperwork, fewer breakdowns are two suggestions), my employees would get so depressed at my interference that they would be functioning well below their best and quickly be looking for another, less cutting-edge company to work for.

Employees are not parts of a machine. They work best when the employer trusts what they are doing and allows them to get on with it. Still, I have no doubt that company vehicle tracking will catch on. It’s the kind of thing that’s irresistible to bad managers, and there are plenty of them around.

Happily, I don’t have to worry. I have no employees. I have a wife, but I don’t know where she is.

Today we complete our publication of the revealing Houseago Diaries, only recently unearthed and restored from oblivion. Throwing what one academic has described as “light” on the critical years when Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago fought almost singlehandedly against a consortium of great crested newts and other sinister threats to the Norfolk way of life, they end tantalisingly with the word “Hindolveston”. Scholars are even now researching the meaning of this word, and the reason the diaries cease so abruptly. Some have suggested that it refers to a long-forgotten Norfolk village, but this seems far-fetched. Others hint that Houseago may have stumbled on a secret so iconoclastic in its implications that he had to be eliminated. Rest assured that any further discoveries will be published on this site. 

June 15, 1998

Concerned to read that pressure groups are proliferating in central Norfolk: WeB2 (We’re Boring Too) and BOOOM (Bored Out Of Our Minds) have just been formed to promote high boredom factor of Norfolk towns, which most people find relaxing. Commendable in its way, but would prefer it if people joined fight against newts. Need to get priorities right.

June 24, 1998

Scheinlich came round last night, and we developed some new computer software.

June 26, 1998

Decided to call new software Houseago 99. Kicked Scheinlich off project because he is too interested in Hingham. Also wanted software to be called Scheinlich/Houseago 99, which is obviously ridiculous. Who would buy something called Scheinlich/Houseago 99? Obviously many blips in software, but will sell it first, then repair it, if can find bits.

June 27, 1998

Told EDP new software “would make Windows 98 look like chestnut bunting”. Cunning reference to bird which landed up in Salthouse while travelling from South-East Asia to Siberia, which seems easy mistake to make. Probably planned journey on Internet. But of course Houseago software knows where it’s going. Big advantage is it cannot be used by great crested newts under any circumstances. Idiot on paper asked if software had web browser. Told him was not interested in spiders, but software probably had bugs.

July 6, 1998

Heard that group of journalists was planning walk over Halvergate marshes; so dropped them note warning of great crested newt activity in the area. Going on general principles really. If there are marshes, there must be newts. Will work that into book, when I start it again. Felt sure I saw Dorothea going into Travelodge near Norwich, but no sign of Hardy. Perhaps he was inside. Beginning to get very annoying.

July 25, 1998

No inquiries yet for Houseago 99, suprisingly. Probably good thing, because only have two copies.

July 26, 1998

Disaster. Newts have persuaded environment minister Angela Eagle that their homes are under threat. Never heard such nonsense. Have done personal census of newt homes (ie ponds), and there are just as many as ever. Told EDP: “There is something fishy about this. I know for a fact there are the same number of ponds now as there were in 1990. And these newts are expanding all over the place.” Not impressed by information that research was carried out by something called Pond Life. Obviously biased, like most research. Said frogbit also threatened, whatever that is. Pointed out: “Frogbit is either a cross between a frog and a rabbit, which means it will take over the country in a fortnight, or possibly something eaten in France, in which case it doesn’t matter.” Researchers always trying to cloud issue. You have to watch them.

August 8, 1998

Melton Constable was getting a bit samey, so have moved to friend’s house at Norton Subcourse, which is even quieter. Don’t care what Dorothea is doing with Len “Kissme” Hardy, alleged wholefood chef of Hindolveston. She doesn’t know when she is well off.

August 9, 1998

Made strong protest at foolish move by Eastern Electricity to turn sub-stations into wildlife havens. Well know that newts want power, and this is just asking for trouble. Company seems to be welcoming them with open arms – outrageous. Told reporter it would not be long before smooth newts began cold-calling and offering cheaper electricity. Added: “They want absolute power.”

Dorothea, who was on rare visit, having tracked me down at Norton Subcourse, said this wasn’t funny. Would have thought anything was funny after Hindolveston. Wherever that is.

August 23, 1998

At last Dorothea has seen which side her bread is buttered. Following a suggestion of hers, have made scientific breakthrough. We have formed company to market wonder drug which will make Viagra look like – well, like chestnut bunting. We have called drug Goodo, after Dorothea (Goodchild). Have announced that we will be making it available for fee which will have to take into account difficulty of obtaining vital elements, which include samphire, various E-numbers and substance derived from great crested newts. Possibly blood. Has so many advantages. Dorothea over moon, or even higher. Hardy out of picture.

September 6, 1998

Excellent fortnight came to an end with inquiry from EDP about what they claim is my “long engagement” to Dorothea. Apparently a reader had asked whether parental disapproval had held us back. Absurd. Told reporter to make something up in reply. Added that engagement was not long at all, and I would not marry until great crested newt menace eradicated from Norfolk.

September 7, 1998

See from paper that Dorothea described my remark as “typical”. Wonder if she is serious about newts. No need for her to speak to newspaper at all. Should be tight-lipped. But they didn’t mention Hindolveston.

This is the tenth and possibly penultimate episode of the Houseago Diaries, confirmed by the University of East Anglia’s School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing as the most significant papers to come out of the late 20th century, especially on a Tuesday. Recently unearthed, they give never-before-seen background information about items that appeared in the Eastern Daily Press in the late 20th century concerning the struggles of Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago to maintain a normal Norfolk way of life in the face of  the devious devices of a consortium of great crested newts, among other things.

April 4, 1998

Reporter from EDP rang to say gnomes were being inserted in gardens in Great Yarmouth, and would I like to comment. Retorted that I was not gnome, and Yarmouth deserved everything that was coming to it. Bit over the top, but I was still in bed. Dislike people telephoning while I am in bed, even if lunchtime. In the end relented and said it was obvious newt plot. Wanton gnome insertion was “typically newt”, and no good would come of it. Suggested better idea would be to remove newts from as many gardens as possible, even in Yarmouth.

April 6, 1998

Comment from official spokesman in paper that no good had come of gnome insertion, but feeling of delight and vindication rapidly dispersed when saw Hardy described in another story as “expert on comets and alternative nutrition”. Rather spoiled the effect by adding that he often used “pieces of rounded flint in my dumplings, and they go down a treat”. Also went on about seaweed, sand pies and grass from his garden being typical Norfolk recipes. Man is insane. What has he been doing with Dorothea? Obviously he has not been cooking. And how does he get quoted in paper so often? Have reporters no other people to quote? Sometimes I wonder what our local press is up to. It’s almost as if it were being run by…. no, probably not. Would be going too far.

April 18, 1998

Too tired to do much. For a moment tried to write a bit more of my book, but was overcome by burst of exhaustion. While recovering, switched TV on accidentally and watched two or three hours. No idea what it was about. Felt peaky. So bored, I told EDP exploding cormorant population on the Wensum was linked to exploding rabbits on Beccles Common and hoped great crested newts would be next in line.

April 20, 1998

Line about “puffed up newts” published in EDP. Sometimes think they would publish anything.

May 4, 1998

This time they have gone too far. Totally spurious story appeared in paper about my resignation as manager of Newt Cannon Fodder Club, saying inability to field full team had hampered my ambitions. Also said season was blighted by injury to my deputy Dorothea Goodchild, 104, and this clearly not true. Wish she did have injury: would not keep vanishing for days on end in North Norfolk. At least, I suspect North Norfolk. Probably Hindolveston. Would try to halt her raging affair with Len “Kissme” Hardy, but cannot find Hindolveston. Not many people can.

May 14, 1998

Decided to take holiday. Chose Melton Constable, as no-one else would go there. Rented holiday cottage for £2.35 a week. Feel fairly secure. Left phone number with EDP.

May 16, 1998

Alarm and dismay in Swanton Morley (apparently) following shocking item in local organ, reading “FOUND, newted tabby male cat”. Do not quite understand what this means, but it sounds disturbingly like “nuked”. Surely newts not attempting genetic modification? Swore to tackle expansionist newts in this new area. Said: “They could see they were losing the PR battle; so they had a go at a harmless tabby. What will it be next? Canaries?” (Was trying to make point about recent spoof story, but reporter asked if canaries had already been got at. Very witty. I said it could explain a lot of things. Reporter laughed. Sometimes they are quite human.)

May 28, 1998

Have uncovered great crested newt plan to pass themselves off as smooth newts and obtain jobs in PR agencies. Held press conference at Swanton Novers and said: “They have had plenty of practice at being smooth. But we mustn’t let them get away with it. Once they get into PR agencies they could sway public opinion instantly. Or make it up. It would be a disaster.”

June 1, 1998

Noticed EDP left out line about “Or make it up”. Must be PR decision. But included my suggestion for questionnaire to screen PR job applicants and pick out newts almost instantly. Suggested questions: “Are you a great crested newt?” and “Would you like to expand?” That should sort them out.

Was not taken in by smooth newts spokesamphibian who said I was “remarkably astute and intelligent person, and good looking too”. True enough, of course. Wish Dorothea realised it instead of spending so much time in Hindolveston. Where is Hindolveston?

Scheinlich has re-emerged to comment on story about Scout Hut in Hingham Republic disappearing. Apparently no-one noticed, because building immediately replaced by one looking exactly the same, but now called the old girls’ school. Sometimes think Scheinlich has disappeared and been replaced by something exactly the same but even madder. Hingham now under investigation by La Fédération Poohstix d’Europe, which had been planning to hold European Poohsticks finals there. Apparently worried about height of bridges, speed of water and time-space instability in area. Don’t know why they picked it in first place. Everyone know Hingham trouble spot. May have to send in Nato.

Continuing the earth-shaking revelations from the recently uncovered diaries of Norfolk hero Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, whose battles against attempts by great crested newts to destroy the Norfolk way of life were originally chronicled in the Eastern Daily Press.

January 12, 1998

Worrying trend at start of new year: man taken to court for damaging breeding site of great crested newts. Fined £600. Cheaper to hit policeman. More expensive to squash newt, though: discovered squasher could be fined up to £5000. What is wrong with our legal system? Apparently man in court had been sent warning letter, but could not read or write. Typical newt trick. Pick on people who can’t sue back. Told journalist I could read and write (though not both at once). Thought should make it clear, in case. Said Parliament should introduce law to make it illegal to squash people. May already be one. Not sure. Still, you can’t have too many laws, can you?

Dorothea says you can.

January 31, 1998

Very strange and quiet month. Perhaps newts really are hibernating, though doubt if they are that subtle. Went with Dorothea to stay with Mrs Hicks, my aunt, at Erpingham – named after gunfighter Wyatt Earp, who many believe came from Norfolk. Some connection with village school. Well earned rest. Nothing ever happens in Erpingham.

February 9, 1998

Scarcely roused by obviously unbelievable story in EDP about a newt writing in to complain about a national newspaper. Newts almost never do this. Can’t remember what it was about. No news of wholefood chef, and Scheinlich probably stuck in Hingham.

February 21, 1998

Lull before storm. Might have guessed. No sooner had I thought I was getting over Christmas when newts hit front page – well, page nine, technically – with shock demands for huge numbers of new homes in Norfolk. Consortium of newts predicts 50,000 newt homes needed in region by next Thursday. Outrageous! Just the sort of thing newts would get up to. Demand is so ridiculous that everyone believes it. People have capacity to believe anything, the more bizarre the better. If someone discovered part of previously unknown lower jawbone they would probably claim it revealed that five million years ago some fish or other took a look at the land and thought it would make a better place for parties; so grew legs.

Newt claim just as absurd, but claim figure has been arrived at scientifically; so of course everyone accepts it, especially as there was some market research involved.

Dorothea says I get too het up over this sort of thing, but very frustrating. What wrong with intuition and common sense?

Thought showed great restraint in describing newt estimate as “on the high side”. Satire often very useful. Still, just to make sure everyone got it, added: “It’s well known that most of the large pond construction companies are owned by newts. Before we know where we are, East Anglian towns will be nothing but a series of huge ponds. People will be forced out into the country. They will be totally lost.”

Obviously don’t want town people in country. Not only will they be lost, they will get in the way.

February 23, 1998

Brilliant plan. Will construct network of tunnels under site of one of ponds and refuse to come out until newt plans rejected. Dorothea says idiotic idea, but am determined. Will recruit Hardy and Scheinlich as supply team.

March 8, 1998

Am in tunnel. Quite dark, really. Hardy packed me picnic basket of wholefood, but it has odd taste. Also, he is out there with Dorothea. Suspect his motives. Scheinlich provided crate of German beer, but said he thought my tunnel could be wormhole. Man is obsessed. Spent my birthday underground. No cake, except possibly wholefood one. Hard to tell. Torch battery not very bright. Still, have struck firm blow in battle against newts. Will stay down here till they give in.

March 9, 1998

How will I know if they’ve given in?

March 10, 1998

No news. Wholefood smells awful. At least, think it’s wholefood.

March 12, 1998

Surely newts have given in. No word from Dorothea. Or Hardy.

March 13, 1998

Tried to find tunnel exit. Not much wholefood left.

March 14, 1998

Struggled out of tunnel exit, prepared to raise arms in triumph. No-one there. Had bath in pond. No sign of newts, or building work. Or Hardy. Or Dorothea. No doubt Scheinlich back in Hingham. Caught bus home – extraordinary stroke of luck, as only runs twice a week. Dorothea proudly showed me EDP for March 9, with news of my tunnel protest. Also said newts had agreed to divert building work to brownfield sites. Why did no-one tell me? Story said attempts to reach me unsuccessful. Did not notice any attempts. Dorothea strangely vague about it. Hardy came round looking cocky, and then, if I’m not mistaken, a touch disappointed to see me there.

Was not entirely happy with Dorothea’s quote that I “had a habit of going too far”. She has never complained about this before.

March 15, 1998

Have suggested to Hardy he spends more time in Hindolveston, cooking. After all, is supposed to be chef. When is he cooking? Who for?

March 23, 1998

Yet another preposterous claim from newts. This time allege that newts discovered gravity. Ha! If newts had discovered gravity, wouldn’t have known what to do with it. Well known fact that Isaac “Apple” Newton discovered gravity when fruit fell from tree. Newts claim that Newt-on really newt, and story got garbled. Might have had more chance of being believed if had not added that natterjack toad and not apple fell from tree. Toads do not climb trees, and certainly don’t fall on newts’ heads. Only person likely to fall for this is Scheinlich, and then only if it happened in Hingham. Even Dorothea said nothing. She has been very quiet.

Told journalist that to suggest toad fell out of tree “at the precise moment a great crested newt passed underneath is about as likely as pronouncing Happisburgh correctly by chance”. Made point, I think.

March 23, 1998

Had long talk with Dorothea about Hardy. She denied everything and said I had been underground too long. Too long for what? Very suspicious.

After an unsustainable gap, during which I have damaged my shoulder mysteriously (I suspect the influence of great crested newts), we bring you the eighth episode in the unmissable Houseago Diaries. Recently unearthed, these throw new light, not only on the structure and origins of the universe, but on the heroic fight by one Norfolk man against the erosion of life as we know it. Some news of this leaked into the Eastern Daily Press as the end of the last century neared, but we now can reveal in new depth exactly what was going on from a bottom-up perspective. This is Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago’s own story:

September 20, 1997

Long, hot summer. Well, long anyway. Have worked hard on book, but Dorothea keeps interrupting with demands to go to seaside, or at least Erpingham. Scheinlich very quiet. Suspect he’s incapable of writing book. Has no sticking power. I have written ten pages.

Read that Michael Palin, alleged Python humorist, had locomotive named after him. Wrote to British Rail suggesting they should name locomotive after me, as Norfolk legend and anti-newt campaigner. Said was least they could do. Letter redirected to Anglia Railways. Apparently British Rail disbanded. Bad news. Liked British Rail: gave you warm feeling unless waiting for train on windswept platform. Said Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago obviously great name for train. Rolled off tongue. Would sort out Suffolk. Strange reaction: asked me if I was going off rails. Very funny. Said was not expecting Spanish Inquisition. Palin not only humorist round here.

October 4, 1997

Still no sign of newts. Have I won? Rejection of train idea has spurred me to greater efforts. Have written 11 pages. Decided to get in public eye again and claimed upstart Andy Green (who he?) had stolen my land speed world record, set just after second world war in combine harvester with Spitfire engine. Said found Spitfire engine in field. Nice touch: Spitfire very popular; so will get people on my side. Maybe should not have said run took place on disused rail line near Dereham. Bit hard to believe. Dorothea, 104, did not help by saying I completed one run but did not come back again. Still, she did say: “Shrimp may have gone faster.” But not as positive as would have liked.

Have spread rumour that will be making demonstration run on combine harvester next week at Tunstead Trosh. Won’t, of course. Combine harvester dismantled years ago.

October 20, 1997

Dorothea suggests could locate great crested newts on Internewt. Think she is getting delusional, due to absence of Len “Kissme” Hardy, who she claims to hardly know. Almost pun : most unlike her. She must be desperate. Don’t know what wholefood chef is anyway. What is wholefood? All of it? Tunstead Trosh cancelled. Rain.

November 5, 1997

Forget wholefood, I say. Have decided not to be jealous of Dorothea and wholefood chef. Probably nothing in it. Instead have devised brilliant anti-newt PR coup. Suggested they are behind bid to erect giant mobile phone mast at Burnham Market, in Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. No-one likes mobile phone masts – even people with mobile phones – especially in beautiful areas. To blame newts for ugliness will arouse natives against them.

November 8, 1997

In further brilliant move, suggested newts jealous of otters, which Suffolk Wildlife Trust says now live in every river valley in county. Not sure how many river valleys in Suffolk. Pity it was Suffolk, but probably in Norfolk too. Newts are “endangered” species (so they say); so obviously they would hate more successful species. Otters also bigger. Wonder if otters eat newts. Possibly wholefood. Must check.

November 17, 1997

As final touch, released quote to press, which appeared today: “This is just like them (newts). They don’t care about the countryside at all. They just want to be noticed. I should keep an eye on the Yarmouth area.” Naturally don’t want Yarmouth people to be left out. They can turn a bit nasty. Not that don’t like Yarmouth. Oh, no. Very good chips.

Wonder if chips are wholefood.

December 1, 1997

Newts have hit back with attempt to take moral high ground in battle for city street. Probably aiming to become People’s Newts, but no chance. Claimed to have kidnapped Teletubbies, which is sure sign of desperation. Newts “angry” at decision to close St Faith’s Lane. Ha! Was so annoyed that said some pretty rash things, like no one knew where St Faith’s Lane was and also was rat run. Obviously rats denied this. Dorothea said I had drunk a bit too much and took phone away from me, but it was too late. All went in paper. I worry about journalists, sometimes. They seem to believe anything you tell them.

See Scheinlich is claiming severe pressure on space-time continuum in Hingham Autonomous Republic following local football team’s 36-0 victory over Swanton Morley United. Not fair, really. Hingham almost national team, and Swanton Morley only village. Possibly Hingham team have proper coaches (Italian) and eat specialist diet. Maybe wholefood.

December 15, 1997

Disaster. Festive season ruined. Idiots at Wildlife Trust and English Nature have put great crested newts near top of “at risk” species. Nearly as gullible as journalists. Only way newts at risk is if I get near them. Told EDP it was preposterous: “We need protecting from them. They’ll be claiming diplomatic immunity next.”

Should not have said that. Obvious reasons. Appalled that in Suffolk (of course) scores of newts (at risk! ha!) saved from certain “death by digger” on housing development at Framlingham. Special ditches, fences and drain covers provided for them at great expense. Outrageous. So furious, made far-fetched accusation about newts and black market beef. Said: “No smoke without fire.” True, but irrelevant. No-one likely to notice, though. Could beef be wholefood?

December 31, 1997

Christmas pretty disastrous. Dorothea got annoyed when I asked if turkey was wholefood, then asked same question about Christmas pudding, mincepies and brandy snaps. No need for her to throw brandy snaps, though. No sign of Len “Kissme” Hardy. Prof Scheinlich popped in for bottle or two of vodka and said Hingham losing all connection with reality. Asked what reality was, but Scheinlich too tired to reply.

Prediction in EDP that newts will be taken off “at risk” register next June. Excellent news. However, same article forecasts aliens landing at Yarmouth in October, and no-one noticing. Possible, I suppose.

More from the Houseago Diaries next week

In this seventh episode of the Houseago Diaries, the recently unearthed publishing phenomenon of the decade, Norfolk hero Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago has various theories and finds himself involved with anchor, a comet riddle and the Hingham Autonomous Republic. Meanwhile, does Dorothea have a guilty secret?

May 24, 1997

Dorothea turned up. Had been on holiday at South Creake. She met wholefood chef Len “Kissme” Hardy in pub. Very suspicious. Must keep closer eye on her. She says book would not be long enough and will have to introduce sub-plots. Dorothea suggested secret history of wholefood chef. Even more suspicious. Decided to include riddle of Comet Hole-Bipp. Will claim key being guarded by secret society. Where?

May 25, 1997

Needs to be somewhere exotic, in the Fens. Maybe Three Holes. Key could be in one of them. Not sure if there actually are three holes: probably just bizarre Fen name, like Barroway Drove. Make it Ten Mile Bank. Must mention ancient star map. Everyone does. Can’t fail.

June 2, 1997

Have released news of book to press, but EDP rang me and asked me why I was writing it. Before had time to think, said I needed the money because marrying Dorothea. Totally out of my mind. Will have to go into hiding. Will write book at same time, if can concentrate. Newts seem to be lying low.

June 5, 1997

Decided to hide in Hingham. May be mistake. Met strange alleged scientist with German name in pub, who claimed town was centre of distortion in space-time continuum. What is space-time continuum? Suspect something to do with Europe, especially as worms seem to be involved. Probably shouldn’t have mentioned great crested newts. Scientist – name of Scheinlich – claims he has seen them gathering in Scout Hut. Why would newts gather in Scout Hut? Suspect Dorothea has been sneaking out to see someone.

June 9, 1997

Am convinced Dorothea is seeing wholefood chef with comet mania. Item in EDP claims Scheinlich (who is professor, apparently) has disturbing theory, but am not interested. Am interested in line mentioning exploding rabbits and wholefood chef, all of whom appear to be in Hingham. If “Kissme” Hardy in Hingham, then threat to life as we know it. Will have to watch Dorothea like hawk.

June 10, 1997

Book hard to write. Getting nowhere, because have to spend nearly all spare time watching Dorothea. Have not seen Hardy, but Prof V A R Scheinlich (discovered full name) seems more interesting than I thought. Apparently Hingham not in Norfolk at all, but Autonomous Republic. Good place to hide.

June 30, 1997

All going well, but bit nervous after reading in EDP of amazing scientific discovery called “anchor” – element which clings to geographical locations and pins them to the earth’s crust. Apparently Norfolk towns are susceptible to lack of anchor, which is a bit weak in certain areas, like Hingham. Suspect global warming, or hole in ozone layer. Now will have to check every morning to see if still in same place. How will I know? Hingham could move altogether; then you wouldn’t know until you tried to leave. Must ring Mrs Hicks, my aunt, who lives in Erpingham, to see if she is still there and I am still here.

July 14, 1997

Cannot settle. Hardy character seems to have vanished. Dorothea very quiet, even for someone of 104. No luck with book. Scheinlich rattles on a lot about mysterious happenings in Hingham, but what has happened to newts? Some people can’t get priorities right.

July 28, 1997

The nerve! Scheinlich writing book on Hingham and Wormhole Phenomenon. Presume work of fiction with philosophical overtones. Very German. Claims he does not know what is going on; so how can he write book? Should leave books to people who are experts in things like great crested newts. Went home after learning of Scheinlich presumption and wrote two pages. May call book “The Newt Crusade”. Will work hard on it and beat Scheinlich to publication.

The next episode will appear in two weeks’ time.

The sixth episode of our fearless revelation of the Houseago Diaries, whose existence until now has been a well-kept secret. They reveal the gradual infiltration of Norfolk by great-crested newts, under the guise of an endangered species, and the heroic fight by Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago to thwart their evil plans. This week sees the unexpected, possibly sinister, arrival of a wholefood chef on the scene, and the approach of a comet.

March 17, 1997

Had bout of flu during week, which accounted for ludicrous story appearing in EDP today. At least, assume it was some kind of delusion. Newt rock group supposed to be touring country. Dorothea took advantage of my sickness to give press quote: “You can never tell with newts. We’re more middle of the road ourselves.” What does she mean? Am not middle of road. Am more middle of field, or up hill – given the chance. Feeling bit depressed, Possibly flu. Possibly not.

March 22, 1997

Bit concerned about suspicious crowd called Suffolk Amphibian and Reptile Group. Can it be missing newts? Thought their group was called Newt. (Should have been Blur, but already taken.) Decided not to comment to press. Do not want to give impression have no idea what is going on, or care. Still feeling dodgy. Will be unavailable for comment. Sounds as if doing something important. Hingham very quiet.

March 30, 1997

Decided to take initiative and announce that newt consortium which threatened to overrun Norfolk people had been disbanded. Said: “This is a triumph for common sense, persistence and threatened species everywhere. Well, almost everywhere. Wymondham, anyway.” Possibly could have left out last bit, which sounded not quite as statesmanlike as first sentence. Still, strikes nice victorious note. Dorothea impressed. Wonder if paper will print it.

March 31, 1997

Did. Also disturbing item on comet headed for North-West Norfolk. Apparently spotted by Hindolveston wholefood chef called Len “Kissme” Hardy. Odd name. Could be in code. Wonder if newts involved. No, of course not. Getting paranoid.

Hardy says comet called Hole-Bipp and heading for “Stanhoe and South Creake, or possibly Birmingham”. Suspect Hardy has problem with Global Positioning System he got for Christmas. Cannot expect much more from chef, especially wholefood one. Perhaps I’ll write to him. Hole-Bipp said to be orbiting black hole near Reepham. Do not know much about astronomy, but this seems impossible. Must check.

April 7, 1997

More bizarre stuff about Hingham in paper. Don’t pretend to understand it. Something to do with Scout Hut and new form of democracy. Sounds newtish. Still, have no plans to go to Hingham. Chef claims error in comet calculations. No surprise to me. But where newts?

April 14, 1997

Still no sign of newts. But idiot chef putting together expedition to find Comet Hole-Bipp, which he claims has landed in murky area called The Saints, near Bungay. Have no desire to go to Saints. Have heard stories of people missing there for weeks, maybe years. Chef says comet difficult to pin down. Would have thought comets easy to pin down. Does chef know what he’s talking about?

April 21, 1997

Turning out to be strange month. Dorothea missing; also newts. Can’t both be hibernating. “Kissme” Hardy apparently lost in The Saints. No surprise there.

April 28, 1997

No newts – but EDP reports exploding rabbits on Beccles Common.

Strange development in field of small mammals, which so far have shown no tendency to blow up. Suspect involvement of newts, aiming to destabilise life as we know it. Rabbits should be docile creatures disappearing into distance. Must get some sleep.

May 5, 1997

Errant chef emerges from Bungay badlands, apparently unscathed. Not sure if this good thing. Claims to have found no trace of comet, amazingly. EDP has gone into prophecy mode, predicting that temporary closure of Castle Meadow, Norwich, to cars is example of Hingham Democracy. Will never open again. Do not believe EDP on this one. If cannot trust city council, who can you trust?

May 19, 1997

Must have dozed off. According to someone called Toadof (obviously pseudonym), great crested newts interfering with elderly drivers in Wymondham area. Have doubts about this. Sounds like excuse by elderly drivers to explain dithering. On other hand, am elderly driver myself. Maybe something in newts theory, but don’t recall seeing any for long time. Maybe don’t exist. Feel tired. Must do something.

May 21, 1997

Got it. Will write book.

May 22, 1997

What about?

May 23, 1997

Of course. Will write about disappearance of great crested newt colony. Am expert on newts. Will expose fearlessly. Publish and be damned. Well, prefer not to be damned. Just publish.

This is the fifth episode of our much sought-after serialisation of the Houseago Diaries, recently unearthed in parts of Norwich. It reveals unexpected background events to the heroic  fight by Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago against the great crested newts who attempted to take over Norfolk in the years leading up to the turn of the century. And after.

“A vital historical document” – Prof V A R Scheinlich

Earlier episodes also available on this site.

February 2, 1997

In brilliant PR move, have announced huge protest over newt plans to run bypass across allotments. Said seven pensioners had climbed trees, and team barricaded itself in tunnel under pond. Team led by Dorothea, who should get out more. Journo asked how this would help. Replied wittily that it was better than watching light entertainment on TV. No-one could argue with that. Everyone behind us now.

February 3, 1997

Counter-attack by newts, who said they would wait until we got fed up, and then carry on with road. They underestimate badly staying power of Norfolk pensioners. Will fight on, and on, and on.

February 6, 1997

Have given up. Irritatingly, newt estimate of perseverance time-scale spot on. Hard to stay in trees or under pond when nothing happening. No sign of road being built.

February 10, 1997

Disturbing news: poohsticks to go metric. Almost as bad as newts. Disintegration of life as we know it. European Commission to blame, as usual. Have nothing better to do. Should find them work elsewhere. Fighting newts, perhaps. Or coypu.

Meanwhile Dorothea drank a little too much punch – she has acquired real taste for it since Christmas – and said too much about newt plans to go on the Internewt. Seemed to think it was some kind of missile. She should really ask me first, since am always abreast of technological breakthroughs. Have Sky. Pointed out e-mails would not be flying all over place, at least not in sense that you could see them or shoot them down. Well, sometimes you could shoot them down, but only if arguments were very weak. Dorothea dug deeper pit for herself when she found newts were using mice (mouses?) to work their computers. Demanded to know whose side mice were on. Embarrassing.

February 23, 1997

Strange day. Was questioned at length by people claiming to be government inspectors from Ofnewt. Would not have believed word of it, but know government inspectors behave oddly. Ofsted, for instance, do nothing but produce reams and reams of paper, far as I can see. Apparently Ofnewt suspicious because newts have disappeared. Would be good news, but don’t trust newts. Probably hiding. Ofnewt seem trifle naive. Think Dorothea and I may have kidnapped newts. Good idea in theory, but where would we put them? In huge newt barn? Newts can escape from anywhere. Would not know how to catch them in first place.

Told Ofnewt was mystified – not just by newts but by life in general. Ofnewt not amused. Toad representative suggested newts were hibernating, but no-one believes this.

February 24, 1997

Could not believe Ofnewt quote in paper. “We suspect a hidden agenda. We have to. There wouldn’t be enough paperwork otherwise.” No doubt true, but would never say it. Whitehall bound to recall Ofnewt. Ofheads. Ofcourse.

March 3, 1997

Report of Ofnewt published. Government inspectors have decided no truth in claim that newts annihilated by colony of Norfolk people. Amazing. Government inspectors usually take two years to announce sky is blue, based on extensive research. Of course newts not annihilated. If you could annihilate newts, would have done it. Turns out Ofnewt is also regulator for public houses and small owls, which is not so surprising. Juxtaposition not strong point of governments, or inspectors.

Report said to run to 2488 pages, most of which are probably the same. Since no-one reads government reports, we shall never know. Less surprisingly, Ofnewt intend to introduce “certain regulations, standards, attainment targets, key assessments, league tables, vouchers and general interference”. Typical. Can’t even find newts, but still want to regulate them. All governments seem to suffer from delusion that you can solve problems by setting targets. Personally, have target of living to 200. No support, even from Dorothea.

March 10, 1997

Group of newts discovered under rock at Wymondham, but Government refuses to recognise them. Not bad idea. Still, felt bound to describe inspectors’ report as “ridiculous, unreadable and an ideal doorstop”. Added in inspired moment that newts waiting to expand again and “if there’s anything worse than a group of newts, it’s a rock group”. Humour good weapon. Wonder what newts really up to.

Noticed that odd things happening in Hingham. Probably not newts, but you never know. Odd form of democracy being pioneered, where majority ignored. Sounds like newts. Must keep eye on it.