A good friend of mine has erected a placard on her property advising whoever passes by to vote for the Liberal Democrats at the upcoming council elections. This, she tells me, is because the candidate is a nice chap.
An excellent reason, I’m sure you’ll agree. In fact the recently revived School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing at the University of East Anglia has recently published a far-reaching, in-depth research paper that comes to very much the same conclusion.
The author, Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam, who has recently returned from a sabbatical in the Antarctic, said yesterday that it was quite clearly a waste of time to examine the policy statements of various parties, as the Prime Minister had made clear in the most brilliant way that policies were flexible, contradictory and in many cases irrelevant.
“This is happening almost everywhere,” Prof Aufmerksam told our reporter. “If we merely determined which of the candidates for a particular seat was a nice chap –or chapess, obviously – we could vote for them without their suddenly revealing themselves to be antisemitic, or globalist, or in favour of potholes and ridiculously slow speed limits.
Prof Aufmerksam’s findings were welcomed by local hero Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, who described himself as a “nice chap, always ready to help”. Despite being defeated in a poll at Corpusty East some time ago following a 90 per cent swing, Mr Houseago has resurfaced after attending a retreat run by the radical Rev Nick Repps-cum-Bastwick in the Autonomous Republic of Hingham.
As already reported, Mr Houseago spent some years taking part in an experiment run by Professor V A R Scheinlich, an expert in wormholes and time-space distortion. As a result of this he was reassessing his age to “something more realistic”. He felt he was ready to take control.
Meanwhile Len “Kissme” Hardy of Hindolveston, a whole food chef and comet chaser described by Mr Houseago as a “thorn in the flesh” after his dalliance with “nice chap” Dorothea Goodchild, is considering standing for the European Union, whatever that is. A search of Norfolk has revealed no placards in his name, however, and it is unclear which party he represents.
Asked what his attitude was to the war in the Middle East, he said: “Yes.”